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Families –Who Needs Them?

Family

As we contemplate National Family Week, what are your thoughts about your family?  As a therapist having worked with hundreds and hundreds of clients, I would say that the vast majority– at least 80% – find their family challenging.  There is a lot of blame and a lot of strain.  Often balanced with love, but not always.

As they say, “you can’t choose your family”.  But I am more of the mind that you have the family you have for a reason.  When you get out of the “Drama Triangle” there are endless possibilities for personal growth and healthy connection.  Let’s first find out what the Drama Triangle is..

Each angle of the Drama Triangle represents a different way of being:

  1. Victim (poor me, not taking response-ability, blaming others.  Feels safe by being taken care of)
  2. Rescuer (teaching helplessness, feels strong by taking care of others, over-protective, distraction from own issues)
  3. Persecutor (generally dominant, abusive or blamer.  Feels strong through putting others down.  Distraction from own issues.)

These are roles we unconsciously adopt and we will have a dominant role which feels more natural.  Which do you think is your dominant role?  How easily do you flit from one to the other?

These roles are not healthy ways to interact within a family as there always has to be someone in “power”.  This teaches helplessness and means that others are either in conflict or never fulfilling their potential.

A more empowered way of being is to consider “what can I learn from my family?”  If there was a positive reason that you have been born into this family, what could it be?  To learn assertiveness?  To manage conflict constructively?  To ask for what you want?  To learn compassion?  Perspective?  Patience?  Resilience?  Lower expectations?  Increase response-ability?  To express your needs?  To acknowledge your emotions?

By finding the positive learning from your family you are empowering yourself and you are also minimising conflict.

When you see your family members as teachers (even though they don’t know it), it can really help you deal with tricky situations in a more constructive way.  You can get through challenging times learning and growing as a human being and a human doing.

© Tricia Woolfrey 2014

Tricia Woolfrey is an integrative therapist, an advanced clinical hypnotherapist, master practitioner in NLP, nutritionist and author, and utilises bioenergetics to help you be the best you can be.  She has practices in Surrey and Harley Street, London.  She can be reached on 0845 130 0854 www.yourempoweredself.co.uk.

Tips for Having An Amicable Divorce

Divorce Help

 

Whatever the circumstances for the breakdown of the marriage, it is important to approach your divorce amicably.  This will enable both of you to salvage a post-divorce relationship (important if you have children); save money on solicitors’ bills and keep stress levels to a minimum.

At the time of the split, it may seem almost impossible to imagine you could have an amicable divorce. Emotions are running high and you are most probably feeling very negatively towards your husband/wife.  So how do you have an amicable divorce?

 

Here are 6 top tips:

  1. Be business-like
    This may sound cold but it is important to put aside your personal feelings for your spouse, when approaching the divorce process.
  2. Be respectful
    You may be feeling quite negative about your spouse at the moment. But remember, you once loved them, have shared your life with them and perhaps had a family with them. Respect their point of view even if you don’t agree with it.
  3. Don’t sweat the small stuff
    Fighting over every small detail during the divorce is bad news. It will increase your stress levels as well as your legal costs. There can be no winners and losers in a divorce case.
  4. Put the children first
    All decisions must be made in the best interests of the children. This creates a positive environment for an on-going co-parenting relationship.
  5. Be honest
    Not being up front about information is going to cause animosity between you and your spouse when you are trying to resolve issues in the legal case. Be honest with your solicitor and your spouse.
  6. Live in the present
    Try not to dwell on the past. Unfortunately, you cannot undo what has been said and done to bring about the divorce. Live in the present to ensure you make the best decisions for your future.

©Rhiannon Ford 2012

Rhiannon Ford is a divorce coach and consultant. She provides practical help and emotional support to people going through divorce and separation. Rhiannon practised as a family law solicitor for many years, and is also a personal development coach. She uses her legal experience and coaching skills to provide clarity and comfort to help navigate her clients through the complexities of the divorce process. Find out more about her divorce consultancy services at www.rhiannonford.co.uk.