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Families –Who Needs Them?

Family

As we contemplate National Family Week, what are your thoughts about your family?  As a therapist having worked with hundreds and hundreds of clients, I would say that the vast majority– at least 80% – find their family challenging.  There is a lot of blame and a lot of strain.  Often balanced with love, but not always.

As they say, “you can’t choose your family”.  But I am more of the mind that you have the family you have for a reason.  When you get out of the “Drama Triangle” there are endless possibilities for personal growth and healthy connection.  Let’s first find out what the Drama Triangle is..

Each angle of the Drama Triangle represents a different way of being:

  1. Victim (poor me, not taking response-ability, blaming others.  Feels safe by being taken care of)
  2. Rescuer (teaching helplessness, feels strong by taking care of others, over-protective, distraction from own issues)
  3. Persecutor (generally dominant, abusive or blamer.  Feels strong through putting others down.  Distraction from own issues.)

These are roles we unconsciously adopt and we will have a dominant role which feels more natural.  Which do you think is your dominant role?  How easily do you flit from one to the other?

These roles are not healthy ways to interact within a family as there always has to be someone in “power”.  This teaches helplessness and means that others are either in conflict or never fulfilling their potential.

A more empowered way of being is to consider “what can I learn from my family?”  If there was a positive reason that you have been born into this family, what could it be?  To learn assertiveness?  To manage conflict constructively?  To ask for what you want?  To learn compassion?  Perspective?  Patience?  Resilience?  Lower expectations?  Increase response-ability?  To express your needs?  To acknowledge your emotions?

By finding the positive learning from your family you are empowering yourself and you are also minimising conflict.

When you see your family members as teachers (even though they don’t know it), it can really help you deal with tricky situations in a more constructive way.  You can get through challenging times learning and growing as a human being and a human doing.

© Tricia Woolfrey 2014

Tricia Woolfrey is an integrative therapist, an advanced clinical hypnotherapist, master practitioner in NLP, nutritionist and author, and utilises bioenergetics to help you be the best you can be.  She has practices in Surrey and Harley Street, London.  She can be reached on 0845 130 0854 www.yourempoweredself.co.uk.

Is Snoring Affecting Your Sleep?

Snoring Help by Tricia Woolfrey

Snoring can sound comical, but it isn’t funny being kept awake night after night and it can put a strain on your health and your relationship.  It is very difficult to feel loving towards someone who keeps you awake all night while they are enjoying blissful sleep.

There are two aspects to how snoring can affect sleep:  one is from the perspective of  the snorer and one is their unlucky bed companion.  Sometimes the snorer will wake themselves up, or suffer from sore throats.  Often, however, the snorer is completely unaware of the problem.  Not-so their partner.

Snoring can be defined as a coarse sound made by vibrations of the soft palate and other tissue in the mouth, nose & throat (upper airway). It is caused by turbulence inside the airway as you breathe.

If you are the snorer, there can be a number of physical reasons which are causing your snoring.  Often it is exacerbated by alcohol, weight, smoking or medication.  Other physical causes of snoring can vary from mispositioned jaw, blocked sinuses, allergies, deviated septum, polyps, the size or position of the tongue, or narrow airways. 

It is useful to have a wellness check to see if there are any underlying issues which are causing it and this can be arranged by calling 0845 130 0854 or visit the Self Help Resources website to find out more about Health Screening and Food Intolerance Testing or Asyra Pro.

Often, just changing your sleep position and/or losing weight will help to resolve the problem. Other remedies include stopping smoking, reducing your alcohol intake and treating allergies. Occasionally the problem can be rectified, with either a mouth guard, or through surgery, depending on the cause of the snoring.

If your partner snores and you find yourself staring at the ceiling night after night thinking murderous thoughts, the issue is more around your focus.  I remember living under a flight path for several years. Planes, including Concorde, would fly over every 3 minutes and we thought we would go crazy.  In time, we learned how to tune out and pause before resuming our conversation like nothing had happened.  You have also probably had the experience where you have a headache or a toothache, but some good news or a funny program on the TV, makes you forget all about it. These are all examples of changing focus.

So, instead of waiting for the snoring to start – which makes you hyper-sensitive to it – focus your attention on something else.  Self-hypnosis is a terrific way of doing this.  Self-hypnosis can be used simply to relax, or to get you to focus on something else – a change you want to make perhaps.  You might also want to think about having hypnotherapy with a professional who can help you to not notice the snoring so that you can enjoy a restful and restorative sleep. My book "An Inside Job" teaches you how to do this for yourself simply and effectively and even has a CD to guide your self-hypnosis practice.  Another option is to listen to a hypnosis recording such as Sleep Well which will ease you into relaxing sleep.

© Tricia Woolfrey 2014

Tricia Woolfrey is a hypnotherapist, coach, wellness practitioner and author based in Byfleet Village and Harley Street. www.yourempoweredself.co.uk. 0845 130 0854.

Tips for Having An Amicable Divorce

Divorce Help

 

Whatever the circumstances for the breakdown of the marriage, it is important to approach your divorce amicably.  This will enable both of you to salvage a post-divorce relationship (important if you have children); save money on solicitors’ bills and keep stress levels to a minimum.

At the time of the split, it may seem almost impossible to imagine you could have an amicable divorce. Emotions are running high and you are most probably feeling very negatively towards your husband/wife.  So how do you have an amicable divorce?

 

Here are 6 top tips:

  1. Be business-like
    This may sound cold but it is important to put aside your personal feelings for your spouse, when approaching the divorce process.
  2. Be respectful
    You may be feeling quite negative about your spouse at the moment. But remember, you once loved them, have shared your life with them and perhaps had a family with them. Respect their point of view even if you don’t agree with it.
  3. Don’t sweat the small stuff
    Fighting over every small detail during the divorce is bad news. It will increase your stress levels as well as your legal costs. There can be no winners and losers in a divorce case.
  4. Put the children first
    All decisions must be made in the best interests of the children. This creates a positive environment for an on-going co-parenting relationship.
  5. Be honest
    Not being up front about information is going to cause animosity between you and your spouse when you are trying to resolve issues in the legal case. Be honest with your solicitor and your spouse.
  6. Live in the present
    Try not to dwell on the past. Unfortunately, you cannot undo what has been said and done to bring about the divorce. Live in the present to ensure you make the best decisions for your future.

©Rhiannon Ford 2012

Rhiannon Ford is a divorce coach and consultant. She provides practical help and emotional support to people going through divorce and separation. Rhiannon practised as a family law solicitor for many years, and is also a personal development coach. She uses her legal experience and coaching skills to provide clarity and comfort to help navigate her clients through the complexities of the divorce process. Find out more about her divorce consultancy services at www.rhiannonford.co.uk.

Hypnotherapy for a Change

Hypnotherapy by Tricia Woolfrey

Creating change in your life can be difficult – habits can be ingrained for many years and it can seem easier to stay stuck than move forward.

In the hands of a skilled professional, hypnotherapy is great at overcoming those blocks to achieving change, making change easier.  However, it’s success depends on your motivation, which a good hypnotherapist will assess in your first session.  Hypnotherapy can’t force change on you but facilitate the change through you, so that you regain control over your life.  It doesn’t take away your free-will in any way.

Would it surprise you to know that hypnosis has been around for thousands of years?  It was also accepted by the British Medical Association in 1958.  Hypnotherapy, is a process not an event and the number of sessions you need will depend on the complexity of the problem and the degree to which you are reliant on the problem as a coping mechanism for other things.

Your choice of hypnotherapist is very important – find someone who is well trained and who has a lot of experience.   Finding someone who really understands psychology is a must too, as there can often be subtle nuances to behaviour which will affect the approach taken.  Don’t be afraid to ask for their qualifications and what continuous professional development they do – it’s important to have someone with a strong level of skill who is motivated to keep their skills up to date.  You also want to find someone who you feel comfortable with.

So, what IS hypnotherapy?

Hypnosis allows communication with your unconscious mind – that part of you which is constantly influencing your thoughts and behaviour –  to help you achieve your goals and overcome any obstacles and unconscious blocks.

It is an altered state of awareness called trance, and is something we experience naturally every day – like when you drive from A to B and don’t recall the journey, because your conscious mind has been thinking about other things, or when you are out for a whole evening and feel that you have only been out for short while, or even when you cry at a sad film.  All of these are natural hypnotic states.  During hypnosis, you are in control throughout..  It is not sleep.  It is not even relaxation, though most people feel relaxed when they are hypnotised.

Hypnotherapy  is creating this naturally occurring phenomena for therapeutic effect – that which is good for your emotional and physical wellbeing.

Whilst hypnotherapy is not a magic bullet, it does need your active collaboration. It is a very powerful tool to help you on your journey.

You are in control throughout

Hypnotherapy helps you achieve what you want for yourself.  You can’t be forced to do anything you don’t want to do or say anything you don’t want to say – you are in control throughout.

Almost everyone can be hypnotised

Anyone from the age of around 5 with at least a normal level of intelligence can be hypnotised – if you want to be.  You cannot be hypnotised against your will so feeling comfortable with your hypnotherapist is very, very important.  I like to give the first half hour of my session free of charge and no obligation – so that my client can be 100% sure – and this really helps their progress.

What does it feel like?

Everyone experiences it differently, but most people simply feel as though they have their eyes shut, and able to hear everything that goes on around them.  Nothing more than that.  Others feel a tremendous sense of relaxation, yet others feel tingly or numb, heavy or light.    Or all of the above.  Or none of them.  The secret is not to expect a particular experience, not to try to relax, simply allow it to happen in whichever way is right for you.

How is it different to stage hypnosis?

People often think that hypnotherapy will be a magic cure where someone can make them do anything without any effort on their part – just like the stage shows.  And sometimes it is.  However, the only similarity with a stage show is that they both use the state of hypnosis.  A stage show uses this state for entertainment.  All individuals who participate do so because they want to.  The engagement is momentary.  There is no emotional agenda involved – just fun.  With hypnotherapy, this can involve working on problems which have often existed for years, through layers of self-awareness, vulnerability, denial, and even resistance.  If there was no resistance, you would have resolved the problem on your own.  Working with your subconscious mind with hypnotherapy, it is easier to overcome these, developing new ways of being so that you can live the life you want.

What people say about hypnotherapy

Here are some typical comments people make to show you the different ways people respond:

  • “I got immediate results – I was very impressed!”
  • “I didn’t notice anything until friends and family started to say how much happier and calmer I seemed – then I realised I was!”
  • “I’m still not sure if I was hypnotised but I do know that I have achieved what I wanted to – so I guess I must have been”

If you are looking to make changes in your life, do try hypnotherapy.  It just makes change easier.  It helps you deal with stress, self-esteem, anxiety, depression and insomnia.  It’s also great for weight loss, smoking cessation and IBS.  If you have anything which stress makes worse, hypnotherapy can usually make better.

My clients regularly tell me that they gained far more than they came for as often other problems are resolved at the same time.  Hypnotherapy could be the best investment you ever make in yourself.

© Tricia Woolfrey 2012

Tricia Woolfrey is an integrative therapist, an advanced clinical hypnotherapist, master practitioner in NLP, nutritionist, and author and utilises bioenergetics to help you be the best you can be.  She has practices in Surrey and Harley Street, London.  She can be reached on 0845 130 0854 www.pw-hypnotherapy.co.uk.

Listening to Your Feelings

Understanding Feelings and Emotions by Tricia WoolfreyIf your feelings could talk, what would they say?  Feelings are the physical representation of emotion.  They communicate your wants and needs.  They tell you when you are happy and when something isn’t right. Yet, all too often, we ignore them.  Sometimes this is because of the way we were brought up (it isn’t nice to be angry, big boys don’t cry, etc) and sometimes it’s because we have no idea how to deal with them, or because the feelings are too painful.

Negative feelings can be a combination of events from the past, stresses in the present and worries about the future, even though the only reality is now.  If you find yourself over-reacting to situations, it is unlikely to be simply about what is happening in the moment but instead is likely to be an emotional resonance with what has happened in the past- a reminder which supports a limiting belief. For example, someone being late to meet you for lunch may remind you of all the times that people have let you down, whether intentionally or otherwise, and may perpetuate a limiting belief of “I am not important”.

So what happens?  We learn to suppress and repress our feelings and this can lead to problems in relationships and even our health.  It also leads to distracting behaviours.  When we feel bad, we often distract with food, alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, shopping, gambling etc.  But this does not deal with the underlying problem, it simply disguises it for a moment or two.  When we suppress in this way, the underlying problem grows in intensity – like it is shouting to be recognised. It doesn’t matter how much food, alcohol, tobacco or clothes you have – it will not help you feel less bored, anxious, frustrated, depressed or lonely.  Those feelings come right back and you need more of your distractor to help you feel “normal”.  It is a vicious circle and it’s important to deal with the core issue when you can. Ask yourself:  “How much do I have to eat (buy/drink/smoke/work/etc) to resolve this issue?”  Distractors are ultimately unsatisfying because you do not truly meet your emotional need.

FEELINGS AND ASSOCIATED NEEDS

There are eight main negative emotions.  Here is what they mean:

Primary Feelings

Feeling What it's telling you What it wants
Boredom Lack of Challenge Fulfilment and growth
Anger A sense of unfairness or of a boundary being broken To make things fair and create clear boundaries
Guilt Feeling that you have been unfair or unkind to someone To make amends
Sadness Loss (real or imagined, person, status or item) To feel whole
Lonliness A lack of connection to yourself, to others or the world Meaningful relationships
Inadequacy Feeling unworthy To feel good enough
Stress A feeling that you have more to handle than your perceived ability to cope A feeling of control
Fear Feeling insecure or in danger To feel safe and secure

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When these primary feelings are ignored, they can lead to frustration (that what you are doing is not working) and, ultimately to depression.  The only way to avoid this trap is to learn how to deal with your feelings constructively.  There are four ways of doing this:

1.     SELF-COACHING

a) Name the feeling
b) Identify the cause of the feeling (unfulfilled need, want or desire)
c) Identify a satisfying response (an action that fulfils the need, want or desire)

2.     COACHING OR THERAPY

Often it is helpful to work with someone who is skilled at helping others.  They can steer you through the complexity of your past.  For more information see www.pw-hypnotherapy.co.uk.

3.     PRACTICE EMOTIONAL FREEDOM TECHNIQUE

This is a wonderful technique that helps you to manage your emotions constructively.  For a demonstration on how to do this, see www.self-help-resources.co.uk or contact Tricia Woolfrey on 0345 130 0854 for 1:1 coaching on how to do it.

4.    HAVE HEATLHY DISTRACTORS

Doing something positive can help you change state naturally.  Try the following ideas:

  • Do some exercise – a great way to relieve stress and help you feel in control
  • Keep a journal – writing down your feelings can be very cathartic
  • Declutter your home/desk – clutter is a way of hanging onto negative emotion so decluttering can be very therapeutic
  • Start doing self-hypnosis – an excellent way of maintaining a positive outlook and feeling relaxed (see the book An Inside Job ™ – coming soon at www.pw-hypnotherapy.co.uk)
  • Call or see a friend – maybe someone you haven’t talked to in a while
  • Do something kind for someone – there is no better way of instantly feeling good

When you listen to what your feelings are telling you and respond appropriately, you are on your way to feeling a lot better about yourself, gaining perspective on a situation and having a healthier relationship with yourself and others.

© Tricia Woolfrey 2012

Tricia Woolfrey
tricia@yourempoweredself.co.uk
www.yourempoweredself.co.uk
0345 130 0854

Tricia Woolfrey is a hypnotherapist, coach and wellness practitioner with practices in Byfleet Village, Surrey and Harley Street London.